Twenty twenty two

Welcome back to another episode of all-that-happened-this-year series. This one in particular took so much for me to draft out because it's the year that I probably don't want to reflect upon as it has been a painful one overall that i wish to skip.

I really thought of taking things slow in January as I know things would get heated along the way, being in my second last semester for my bachelors programme I guess I can't expect less. I experienced being Pengarah program for a campaign under a specific course. To be very honest my team members and myself started all the work pretty late and since it was all done online we find it super hard to communicate with one another. It really frustrates me when people just don't do things that they are supposed to do. Of course I had to take things on my own accord during those times and it was super hard as I don't have experience in handling major programs and campaigns especially on my own. I became so vulnerable and didn't like the fact that I began to isolate myself not deliberately but i just had to due to all the pending work I needed to complete

I didn't know half of the thing that i was going, nor do I have network with people in my uni to ask help with. Guess we all gotta start somewhere. It went so haywire that the dates to our programmes kept postponing as I was not able to find credible speakers to carry on with it. I am super grateful for my supportive friends during this time for all the support that they have given to me, be it to find people, or to arrange stuff within the department. Also did I mention that my mum had to become a speaker for one of the events because I can't seem to find one 🥹 It was definitely not my best work but during that period of time I was just glad that the chaos came to an end. 

February was my finals month and it was also a month where I actively took part in my faculty events and activities after everything was allowed to operate slowly. Approaching the last week of finals my friends and I decided to go for a hike and it honestly felt super good to be out there after a really long time and that was also the last i went hiking.

I am no longer covid virgin, lol. Right after the hike I was not well and the symptoms were all suspicious and I know for a reason that i got covid 😭 Everyone who went hiking that day got covid and were all quarantined. I had very bad symptoms that would flare up once every 4-5 hours, my cough and fever would start to act up after the medicine had worn off. Not to exaggerate but I probably ate more medicine that one week than i did my whole life. It was really hard but i'm thankful that prasannaa and veena were together with me. Prasannaa was my ride or die like quite literally, we'd check up on each and the two of them were my only confidants during that period of time. All the turmeric mouth rinse, kashayam, vitamin c shots and medication kept us going.

I had about 3 weeks break after the  semester ended and I really wanted to use the break wisely rather than the old mundane routine. That is when my mother’s college friend who happened to be a bharatanatyam master asked me to join classes. As much as I wanted to , I was also reluctant as I stopped going to dance classes about 6 years ago and have never practiced since. I was so afraid that I would get embarrassed but I lucked out big time that my master and his wife both were so accommodating. It felt heartwarming to be able to start dancing back again after so many years ❤️ Since it was also the school holiday season, they had classes everyday and I took the opportunity to join all the classes. I got to spend time with cuties and used the chance to polish as much as I could.

some 6 hours of class later 

Before I knew it, the break ended and I prepared myself for the very last semester before I started my internship. It was all fun and games until my final year project work started building up. 

I was starting to go to my faculty often and also attended face to face class after 2 long years. My final year project was hands-on work rather than a theoretical one. Our group needed to conduct a campaign and that was basically our fyp. We needed to conduct about 5-6 mini campaigns comprising our main campaign work. It all went wrong when all the paperworks that we had prepared were actually for online events that my lecturer then asked to change it all to f2f events. I was the secretary for my fyp and to be honest I have been avoiding all sorts of programs that required me to hold a position because I just suck at it so bad and I don't want to be responsible of it all. It was so chaotic and everything was definitely not running on its order.

in my 'setiausaha girl' era

Of course when you work in a group there will always be a set of people who don't do anything and a set of people who have to do almost everything. We were short of money to run events, restricted from holding events in certain venues for 101 reasons, not being able to get credible speakers and of course shortage of manpower that we could do nothing about 😮‍💨 You name it, we had all sorts of problems and in the midst of all of this I needed to draft out letters , send them to respective parties, get back on the emails and go hunt for my lecturer to get my letter checked. Oh btw i was still a full time student and attended all the classes, whilst finishing all the assignments.

Now looking at the bright side, in the midst of me trying to figure out how to sort things and regretting my choice to choose coursework over thesis for my fyp, my cousin got married. He was practically the first one from my dad’s side to get married and it was definitely the most awaited one ❤️ Nagulan mama, I’m so happy for you that you finally met the love of your life after avoiding the topic of marriage for about 5-6 years. 

June was the month where all of the events took place and that was also the time where I was constantly on my feet, going through my dont-talk-to-me phase because I was too worn out by the end of the day. I had meetings every single day and there were days where I'd be in my faculty for the entire day 🫠

Those were the times I felt that I am missing out on so many things in my life. Being in my very last semester, I wasn't able to join all the movie outings with my friends, I felt as if I didn't get to spend time with them as much and wasn’t able to back as often. Forget spending time with friends, I didn't even get to have a proper conversation with my roommate for days 😌 I never had days off, I was always on a run, here and there endlessly. To all the friends who fetched me, gave me a ride back, shared food with me, did tasks together, helped me out in sorting letters, making sure i was doing well all along I owe you guys BIG time. For remembering me and getting me food, thank you 😭🫶🏼That kept me going. That is also when I fall sick and i never really recover because I didn't get proper rest. Looking back I think all of the hard work that my classmates put into making this work was definitely worth it. Of course there were hiccups here but in the end of the day it was all good. 

In midst of all these i was also able to attend the graduation of gangesh and stephanie akka and so glad that we took the opportunity to do a bbq night. For me that is the simplest form of happiness, everyone just gathering together, playing games and taking about random things just makes me so happy

I really took it slow in completing the final assessment this time around. I guess I just took things too lightly that I did bad for some of the papers. I still think about it all the time, thinking of how I could have improved it. I also went to genting for the very first time for prasannaa’s birthday and it was great ! But most of the important parts were closed since we went at night but i’ll definitely go back again.

The last few days spent in the Sri Harmoni house were the days that I wished lasted forever. Watching movies, spending quality time together, playing games, fighting over all petty things. I will always remember those nights ❤️❤️

Here’s the part that I've been dreading for months. I get anxious thinking about it all night. I caried the weight of past, present and future and I started missing the place and the people even before leaving. My heart truly aches that I have to leave Upsi for good but I'm glad that I'm bringing a suitcase full of memories and friendship along with me. Tanjung malim has always been a second home to me. 5 years, 5 beautiful years.

sorry i had to ditch you diven

I wish good health and success to each one of you, this friendship means so much to me. Each one of you are significant to me in different ways and I will forever be grateful for that 💓 To say I miss campus life is a goddamn understatement.

My sister got registered at the beginning of august and I couldn't be happier for her. Seeing the people I love doing things that they have been longing for makes me so happy and I wish all the happiness to my sister and my brother in law 🫶🏼

I also had the chance to attend sid sriram's concert for the second time. It was ahhhmazingg as always After all that academic stress, it is something that i really needed so bad. I sang, screamed and cried along. It was easily one of the best moments for this year 🙌🏽

I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do to kill time in the 2 months before starting my internship and I decided to just take a rest and mentally prepare to start working. I did a lot of reading at that point and watched so many movies.

I started my internship in early october. I was so worried and anxious about it since my last internship journey was not a pleasant one. But thinking about it now I just feel like I'm stressed out for no reason as I am blessed with a super kind supervisor and good colleagues. I managed to make friends with the other interns who joined together with me.

About a week into my internship I lost my aunt to cancer. My hearts aches in places that I never thought it could. Witnessing the lost of my aunt was painful, I am still coming to terms that she is no longer around and that I can only see her in pictures after this. I started losing sleep and I couldn't concentrate on the things that I was doing. I think I mainly survived most of the days because I was working from home at that point.  About a week later, my tuition sir passed away due to dengue. For anybody who knows me, you would know that I am so sensitive to deaths. I can't even sleep at night if I get to know about news of random people who died. It would affect me so much because I would always put myself in their family members shoes. That's problem about being empathy tsk 🤧

had a few of these lying around

A little over a month after my aunt's passing, my grandfather died. I have heard and seen so many stories of people where they die after the passing of their family members but that was the first time I witnessed it in person. He was too devastated after my aunt's passing. He was in denial for quite some time. Attai was tata’s favourite and to see her daughter die in front of his eyes was too much that he couldn't take it. I am glad that I got to meet him one last time before he passed. My grandfather was literally the living example of how people could legit die from extreme sadness.

In my 'doing my work on the go' and
'surviving on food from R&R' era 

Everyone at home were just surviving at that point of time, things were really hard but I knew I had to be strong to overcome the situation. I was everybody’s emotional support at that point, little did anyone know that I was mentally breaking but just put up for the sake of people around me. I would always tell people that I’m doing fine when asked. I started pushing people away and deliberately did not take part in any social events. I don’t know why, it is just my way of handling things. I know my mental health was deteriorating that I couldn't sleep at night. It was me and my 5 hours of sleep against the world. I lost appetite, my skin started to become super dry that it peeled (lip balm is my best friend now). I still am recovering from the things that I don't talk about and October is officially the month that I hate the most. 

An open letter to the brightest star in the sky; rest well after all the pain that you endured for the past few years. Everyone who came to your funeral told only good things about you and that shows how great of a person you were. It sucks that I have no one to crack our legendary ‘mee hoon- teh o joke’ to. I think about you everyday, in the middle of the day, in the midst of doing something. Looking back at mama's wedding pictures gets painful each time, when you were just there smiling for all the pictures whilst carrying your own battle 🤍🕊️Rest well attai, I miss you so much that it hurts.

Tata, thank you for spoiling us with all the things that appa and amma disapproved off. I have so many memories with you and amma still tells us on how grateful she is for you because you raised us half of the time, rest well.

It has been a horrible year and I know there are people who have it even worse. Things are tough but to keep going is the only thing that we can do ✊🏽To carry the weight of everything that has happened and the worry of the things that are going to happen drained me out, so i’m just going to try to focus on everything that is present now. If you are going through a lot, please heal and do all that you needed to do before going on with your normal routine or start socializing back again. This is so so important because without you realising you actually vent out your emotions to the wrong people at the wrong time and I understood how dangerous is that. I know I'm nobody to say this and I don't even practice this myself but DO NOT suppress your emotions, best believe all those stored emotions only come out as anger 🤧

On a better note it is safe to say that I fulfilled all the resolutions for this year and I have started reading books more often. I just want to stick on to a healthy coping mechanism when things turn hard for me. I've said this so many times and I am saying this again that I would have died if i don't have the friends I have today. Though I am self sabotaging myself by isolating myself during the times I really need help, there were still some of them who were always up for me. Constantly checking on me, making sure I am doing ok. For going all the way to make myself feel better and never thinking twice to splurge on all nice & expensive things for me 🫶🏼 Celebrating me through the small wins, big wins and everything in between, I must have done something good in my past life to have blessed with you in it now 🌻

As of now I am halfway through my internship and  still have another 3 months left to get done with it, i just hope that it will be a smooth one. So glad to have made kind and understanding friends in my workplace. This year I've started finding joy in going grocery shopping, I find it to be really therapeutic. I also got so obsessed with boost that I have to have it every week now. I have also given podcast a go recently, my favourite one would be 'timepass with dass' by kishen das. It's a self help podcast that talks about feelings, emotions and some of the topics that we generally go through. This is the podcast that makes me go 'mmmmm' and 'aahhhh' in public places because it is just so relatable. I could resonate to that man and his content about his life so so much. It has really helped me in filtering my thoughts and feelings. It's the type of podcast that feels like a warm hug 🌸 I am beginning to become extremely private as a person cause god always shows me that my choice of not opening up to people may not have been the worst decision 😏

I’m honestly just glad that I've made it this far, to a better physical and mental health in 2023 ! Have a great year you guys, thank you for reading by it truly means a lot. See you next year 👋